Scattered...

Life changes so much. It is a serious game. You win and you lose. It's like when you play Mancala. You pick up pieces, you drop off pieces. You take your opponents pieces, your opponent takes pieces from you. You keep going around and around the board, unsure of the outcome. Then you run out of pieces and the player that has the most pieces in their large shallow hole at the end of the board wins. That's my complex outlook on life right now.



I have changed. For good or bad, I am not sure. I used to have close relationships. I used to know my priorities and they were in check. I knew my limits, I knew my goals, I knew my future. It was all planned out. I was simple and focused.

Now I can barely say I have relationships. My priorities have changed, my limits have changed, my goals have changed, and I see my future differently. My plan isn't the same. I am still focused, but I am not so simple.



I am going through things I never thought I would have to go through. I am feeling things I never thought I would feel. I am experiencing things that I never thought I would experience. I guess it's a part of growing up that I have chosen to take part in. I was not at all prepared for this.



I stand back, look at my life, shake my head and say "What the Hell?" Then I feel bad I said "Hell" and half heartily apologize to God. ( Btw, this isn't a sob story. I am not complaining about my life and I am not super depressed or anything, I am just sooo confused. I am trying to put it into perspective.)



I am sorry to all the people I have hurt while going through this change. I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I didn't know it would. My intention is never to hurt anyone. I don't think I am a cruel person, just selfish sometimes. I have no boundaries. I have dreams and goals and I want to reach them. I am not sure if what I am doing is right. I'm not even 100% sure of what it is that I want. I am young and ignorant. I am learning as I go. Sometimes I follow my heart, sometimes I follow my head and sometimes I follow nothing and end up lost.



What ever is meant to be, will be.